The Balancing Act
So you lie to your coffee shop boss in order to make your second day job work while running to a photoshoot on three hours of sleep. Repeat seven days a week for one month and your nervous system will be just as cracked as mine! But Emma, how do I know I am truly frazzled? Keep an eye out for these key signs:
Crashing in the middle of day, but waking up to a pounding heart at 3am
Crying while repeating “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” before putting your lipstick on and heading out the door.
Overly focused on deep breathing exercises.
Your most traumatizing experiences run on loop.
The ever growing temptation to buy a bus ticket to anywhere else.
I write to you today staring at a river in Binghamton NY, because I did indeed by that bus ticket to anywhere else. No matter how advanced your yoga practice and meditation routine, you can’t stay balanced all the time. I skipped the August newsletter because trying to collect my thoughts felt like a little too much time away from precious sleep.
Trying to find a side hustle that supports my chaotic artist schedule is like searching for sea glass. I discovered my most recent endeavor won’t be sustainable in the long term (needless to say from the above bulleted experiences). Now I’m tasked with writing that harsh two-week notice letter and heading back to the shore to search for more sea glass. Zooming out, I found I’ve been walking in circles. As a certified people-pleaser, I despise walking away from jobs. (It doesn’t bode well for the resume either) I pushed through these trying summer months by forcing myself to schedule fun time - no matter what. If I had one day off, I took myself to a screening, a friend’s place, or the beach. Yeah I was tired, but sitting in that tiredness doesn’t give my brain a break. Sitting in tiredness allows it to circle around how tired I am. But now at the start of September, I can finally sit back and say “Whoa. This is unsustainable. Life can be easier, and I will find a way.” Between work weeks that made my feet and heart ache, I wrote scripts and pushed myself to find gigs. Those artistic endeavors were threads back to my ‘WHY’. Why am I working so many hours at this funny shop? So this script can enter pre-production. Why am I hoarding tip money like it’s the last I’ll see? So I can turn this one day on set, to my every day. Becoming a full-time creative looks like a large leap, and I am weaving a net beneath me.
Artist friends, if you’ve found a way, please share your story with me. Many of you traveled abroad this summer to perform your sets, routines, and shows. I flowed between feeling incredibly proud and excited to recap your adventures together, while envious of your time living the full time artist dream.
My hustling done for the month of August, I floated alone in the middle of a river, gazing at the setting sun just beyond the hills on Sunday. I played with the neighbor’s giant great dane, appropriately named “Dragon”. I chugged cold brew with my friend before setting out to jump in swimming holes under waterfalls beyond “no trespassing” signs. All these luxuries brought me back to holiday weekends in Maine as a kid. I learned at a very young age that the greatest gifts are open space, time, and love. In compliment to working towards fulfilling a purpose, I keep navigating my way back to these places.
Photos by: Nived Hampton @nivedhamphotography
Studio: Misha Patel @mishmediaplus