All Too Well

At the start of September things were going really well…

Too well…

It was all too easy wasn’t it? Hiking every weekend, seeing friends, jumping in lakes, humming to the tune of production checks, flaunting my signed contract. At the end of September, eerily timed to the new moon, there came a deafening silence. Friends and flirtations left. Auditions went a little less than ideal. Industry contacts ghosted me. Emptiness echoed in the spaces between my ribs as my heart beat angrily against the changes.

Thoughts on being ignored:

Being ignored feels like screaming into the void. You start to question your sanity. You overanalyze the past, looking for proof you’re not crazy; or proof that you’re definitely crazy and you need to apologize. As time goes on, it wears on your ego. You may begin to think you deserve to be ignored. Your work is average at best and your personality is temperamental. Might as well just lie under these warm covers and wait for time to do its most useful job of pressing onwards.

Thoughts on ignoring someone:

Don’t.* *unless staying in contact could cause harm physically or mentally*

Professionally - you’re behaving unprofessionally.

Personally - Read thought spiral above.

After my pity party, I knew I had to make the choice to make peace with loneliness, choose bravery over fear, and start fresh. (Thanks Pinterest) I did those healthy things like leaning into my hobbies, calling a loved one, and convincing myself that the thing I wanted so so so badly is not at all the thing I really need and the universe will provide a better thing in time. (rolls eyes…pins to Pinterest board)

“Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Here’s the thing. Your career won't take care of you. It won't call you back or introduce you to its parents. Your career will openly flirt with other people while you are around. It will forget your birthday and wreck your car. Your career will blow you off if you call it too much.” - Amy Poehler, Yes Please

Apart from this one new moon, the majority of the month was splendid. I won't diminish how lucky I am to see my family-friends married, enjoy the great outdoors, see my friends, and have reliable income. I must also remind myself that I am attempting to actually succeed at taking "the road less traveled", therefore it's bound to be lush with prickers.